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Here is some possibly marginally helpful information you might or might not read before using Hermit's Kave Discussion Board

Welcome to Hermit's Kave

Before you start posting on Hermit's Kave, here is some information we hope you will find useful. No, really. We hope you do find it useful. Really.

First off, you might want to consider the advice of the man after whom the Kave was named...

  • "I'll admit this is an odd forum. It's populated by IT people who for whatever reason chose to talk about something besides what they work at 8+ hours a day. Sometimes they screw up and a serious question arises and gets answered but normally it's just a bunch getting together to B.S. If you're a newbie I'd say the best way to start out is to drink four pints of dark ale, realize that your job isn't the only thing in the world and then join in. It's a chance to make fun of what everyone has to be so serious about the rest of the day or week. Try it, you might enjoy it." Hermit Don Martin

Now you might wonder about the "Hermits Cave" or "Hermit's Kave" or "Hermit's Cave" or "Hermits Kave" thing. Just relax. Spelling and puctuation are very fluid in this environment. On the other hand, some may tell you that spelling and punctuation are the only thing. Just ignore all that. Have fun!

First Post?

  • Best to start out with something more or less flavourless. Maybe something like, "gosh, ducks are fowl." See what happens to your test post. You may choose to take the opposite opening, and come out flaming. "That idiot smegma head has no idea what he is saying. A national day of sadness should be established to commemorate his stupid opinion." Well, that is one way, but better is to count your humour and irony chips, and ignore most of what goes on here.

Details, details...

  • You may need to ask that burning technical question and get a fast response, so you post your email address, right? Not so right. Fill out your profile information (have a look at ForumUserPreferences for some help with this), and indicate you wish to be notified by email of new PMs (Private Messages) to you. Using the PM feature of the board will help guard your privacy, and maybe reduce your chances for an immediate increase in processed pork products.

Hermit's Kave: Questions and Rules

  • You have questions about the rules? We have rules about the questions. Anything not covered here is made up as we go along.

For whom is Hermit's Kave intended?

  • Hermit's Kave is publicly accessible. It's reason for existence is, amongst other things, to provide a opportunity for readers of the Inquirer to discuss issues related to stories on the site. Posting is permissible by any registered user. By registering users agree to abide by the rules.

What will you do with my registration information?

  • The information you have provided will be used only to operate the message board. This includes displaying information as you configure in your profile, and using your email address to send you messages. We will not disclose any of the information to a third party, nor will we send unsolicited emails, except as required to operate the message board.

What other information do you know about me?

  • Your IP address, any information captured in the web server logs and anything you say in a post. Your IP address may be used if we need to trace your ISP for some reason.

May I advertise here?

  • No. Not ever. Anything that looks like advertising will be removed and/or ridiculed.

But my post wasn't advertising

  • If, in the opinion of one of the immoderators, it looked like advertising, however you tried to disguise it, then it was advertising. We really mean the bit about 'not ever'.

You've mentioned immoderators. What's that about?

  • Most message boards have "moderators" who look after the content of the posts. Due to the unique nature of Hermit's Kave, we have immoderators. There are a number of immoderators who have the ability to edit or delete other people's posts. It is extremely unusual for them to delete posts. Usually posts will be edited to remove material that breaks the rules, then ridiculed. Immoderators can be easily recognised on their progress around the forum, as they are the most charming and handsome of all the posters, and the most compulsive liars.

So the immoderators protect me from seeing stuff I don't like / find offensive?

  • No. There may not be a immoderator logged in when something objectionable is posted. In any case only posts that break the rules will be edited or deleted. When someone posts an opinion or uses language that you don't like then it is up to you to ignore that person, or state your opinion to the contrary.

Who is in charge here, anyway?

  • The ultimate authority for The Kave is Jeff. Don't be an irritating prick, and there should be no problems. Maybe.

Complaints

  • If you have complaints about how the board works, the content of posts, or the cut of someone's jib, please either post these issues directly to the appropriate forum folder, or send an email to Hermit's Kave Complaints Department. Please refer to ForumHelp for details.

OK. So is there anything we shouldn't talk about?

  • Pretty much any subject is fair game, with the exception of anything that could cause problems for the community. That includes:
    • attaching files or links to messages that contain viruses, corrupted files, or any other similar software or programs that may adversely affect the operation of another's computer
    • participating in such a way as to undermine the operation of the forum
    • harassing others
    • disseminating any defamatory, libellous, threatening, obscene, or unlawful material or information
    • infringing the copyright of other people
    • anything else that might get us in trouble

Oh yes, copyright. Who owns the copyright on my posts?

  • Copyright on the text and ideas within a post remains with the poster. However, by posting it here you agree that we may publish it as part of the normal operation of the message board. That includes backing up the message store and republishing it if the message board should move to a new server or software platform. In the normal range of ridicule and response, other posters may quote part, most, or all of your post in a reply. It may also be quoted in stories on The Inquirer web site. No other use may be made of your posts without your express permission.

So what happens if I break the rules?

  • Well obviously that depends on what you do, but actions can include editing or deleting your posts, banning your user name and reporting your behaviour to your ISP. If your post is really "out there," you may be told to go to your corner and wait for the yak to come around. Every poster has a yak assigned to them when they register. Some of the yaks enjoy giving spankings, some enjoy getting spankings. Just go to your corner and see what happens.

How do I delete my account?

  • The best way seems to be not to make an account to start with. The CCCP (see CaveGlossary) is looking into this. Please refer to ForumHelp for details.

Etiquette

  • This section gives some guidelines about friendly behaviour here. Breaking these won't get you banned, but it will get you shouted at, and an immoderator will probably edit your posts

Graphics and Sigs

  • Please, no graphical signatures.

  • Similarly, embedding large graphics in your post using <img> tags is not nice. By all means link to images and files stored elsewhere, but if it's more than 20 KB let us know how big it is. We don't all have broadband connections!

Polls

  • Remember that the "Wibble" option is compulsory as the final choice in all polls. Also keep in mind that polls should not have any relation to real pressing issues. All poll results are final. Unless they are not.

Sock puppets

  • Each poster is allowed 1 (one) fake Fevriul and 1 (one) fake Mung login. You can have as many fake Bulgarian logins as you want. Anyone with fake Alien logins will be eaten.

Topics and Threads

  • All threads have a title. The title usually bears some relationship to the first post. After that it will meander its way from subject to subject as it sees fit. That's the way we like our threads round these parts. What any other forums insist on is their business. It's best if your ramblings keep people interested, as opposed to just drawing attention to yourself. Or as Hermit put it:
    • "Topic, topic? Who's got a topic? Lets don't screw up the format of this place and start staying on topic! Topics are ok for people who know what they're talking about. (or at least think they do) Insert, Rambus, Linux, Mac, Intel, AMD, SEX, Aliens, Windows and heaven help us Unix...."

  • Related: FolderNames

Help

  • There are quite a few technically minded people on the Kave. Some are actually paid to sit in front of their computers and 'help people'. This might give the impression that if there is something wrong with your computer, they might be able to 'help' you too. This is entirely correct, if by 'help' you mean make the odd smart arsed comment and generally insult your intellect for having the problem in the first place. Generally a solution is forthcoming, but expect to be abused for at least three posts before anyone says anything useful. Please note that problems relating to Open Sauce software will automatically generate the phrase "get a proper browser" or "get a proper operating system" from Dr Spinola. It is uncertain how this code has entered the Kave system, as the comment has managed to be placed even when Spinola is in a different country, with no internet connection, or power supply.

Searches

  • The Kave has a search function, but please use it carefully. Try to narrow your search as much as possible. The yaks have to work extra hard if you search for something like "Kave" from the begining of time. In any case you cannot search on the word "badgers". Nobody knows why, you just can't.

If you are using BeOS / MacOS / Linux / Anything else not made by Micro$oft

  • Expect to be abused.

If you are using anything made by Micro$oft

  • Expect to be abused.

If you are using a Computer

  • Expect to be abused.

If you are NOT using a Computer

  • Expect to be abused.

If you have not yet worked out how you will be abused, you will be abused regardless

  • Just expect to be abused.

If you are using a bath full of neon nipple rings and the smell of that green you used to get at the beach in Weston Super-mare

  • Expect to be absurd.

If you are having a discussion with Trolljohn

  • Expect it to be absurd. In a sophomore-ish sort of way.

  • NOTICE: Hermit's Cave runs on Kave Standard Time (KST), which is not calibrated to USNO, UTC, or WTS standards. Kave time may be off by a few minutes, or even a few days. If in doubt about your local time, glance at your clock, call your local time service, or ask someone what time it is. In the unlikely event that KST causes you to miss your medication, a football broadcast, your wedding, or a life-saving medical procedure, tough shit.

This has been a public service announcement by the CCCP.

  • Another NOTICE: Measurements are normally to be made using the standard "stunned seal unit" (ssu), which may be connected with the standard width/speed ratio thing. "I think it involves planks number or an opel vectra..."

Denizens/Joecanuck international seal hearder and standards expert.

Other Helpful Information for the New Poster

Finally, always remember...

  • Flying tip: Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.

  • Page to be completed by Denizens/Adamsmith 5 years, 8 months, 3 weeks, 1 day, 14 hours, 18 minutes, and 3 seconds from now.

ARF.

last edited 2008-03-22 02:41:36 by localhost